I have an umbilical hernia from my LGA (large for gestational age) second pregnancy. Recently, it has gotten bigger. Perhaps from me sticking my finger in there all the time. Maybe. I googled it yesterday because I am considering getting a repair done. Google tells me that adult umbilical hernias usually occurs in middle-aged obese multiparous women. Crap, Google. Why so mean?
Christmas is Just Around the Corner. And I am Freaking Out. So I make myself go shopping for the multiple of teenaged relatives who live in the city. I see that all the Young People are going into Abercrombie and Fitch. So I go in. And my ovaries immediately start shrinking and becoming decrepid. It's like I walked into the body of a 16 year old. The loud emo music, the nausea-inducing heavy cologne, the pubic-bearing larger than life photos on the walls, the metrosexual teen boys who ask me with a soft smile every 5 minutes, "is everything alright?" I alternate between rolling my eyes, gagging on the heavy musk in the air, gasping at the price of worn and torn sweatpants, and trying to keep my dowager hump from growing prematurely. I made it out with only a sweater, I couldn't take it anymore. The Youthfulness of the place totally kicked the Geriatric me out. When the hell did I become OLD? Crap, Life. Why so mean?
Showing posts with label Just because. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just because. Show all posts
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Why I Do Not Sleep Even Though I Desperately Need To
This is ridiculous.
I am on call tonight. It's late. I am sick. I have a low grade temp, annoying cough, and phelgm is various colors of camouflage. I have a headache. My eyelids are soooooo heavy. My brain is confused. I know, Super Sexy.
But I refuse to go to bed.
It's a disease I was born with. I remember getting in so much trouble as a kid because me parents would find me sleeping secretly in the hallway with my head just peeking into the living room. I just KNEW there was something exciting ABOUT TO HAPPEN! Wait, just wait, it'll come! Mom and Dad don't REALLY just sit on the couch reading the paper. So I am just going to laying on this uncomfortable hard floor and keep my eye open and be rewarded when SOMETHING happens! And then I would fall asleep.
Now that I am thirty-two years old, I KNOW that nothing exciting is going to happen while I am asleep. But yet, I resist going to bed. My eyelids could feel like they are magnetized and my body could be aching to just lay on a soft, soft mattress, but NO. I MUST STAY AWAKE LEST SOMETHING EXCITING! AND WONDERFUL! HAPPEN WITHOUT ME!
Funny that I should marry someone just like me. I hate that about him.
I am going to sleep.
I am on call tonight. It's late. I am sick. I have a low grade temp, annoying cough, and phelgm is various colors of camouflage. I have a headache. My eyelids are soooooo heavy. My brain is confused. I know, Super Sexy.
But I refuse to go to bed.
It's a disease I was born with. I remember getting in so much trouble as a kid because me parents would find me sleeping secretly in the hallway with my head just peeking into the living room. I just KNEW there was something exciting ABOUT TO HAPPEN! Wait, just wait, it'll come! Mom and Dad don't REALLY just sit on the couch reading the paper. So I am just going to laying on this uncomfortable hard floor and keep my eye open and be rewarded when SOMETHING happens! And then I would fall asleep.
Now that I am thirty-two years old, I KNOW that nothing exciting is going to happen while I am asleep. But yet, I resist going to bed. My eyelids could feel like they are magnetized and my body could be aching to just lay on a soft, soft mattress, but NO. I MUST STAY AWAKE LEST SOMETHING EXCITING! AND WONDERFUL! HAPPEN WITHOUT ME!
Funny that I should marry someone just like me. I hate that about him.
I am going to sleep.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Blog Bog
Part of my dilemma with this blogging thing is that I really don't know what I am doing. Am I writing a personal journal for myself? Do I wish to have an audience? What is this blog about? Family? Parenting? My medical practice? Should I remain anonymous, or should I share this with my family and a few close friends?
The heck if I know.
So half the stuff I usually write in a personal journal, I don't write. Too painful, and too dramatic, and biased. Complain, bitch, moan, yuck. It's like the armpit of my thoughts. And more times than not I end up reading it and puking. Why would I risk revealing my self-absorbed stupidity on a blog?
I definately am not a great writer in that I do not have witty thoughts, comments, and observations about my life. However, I do like to write. Crap. Yes, I like to write crap. But dammit, it's MY crap. And I really want to remember a bit about my life now, while it is so crazy and hectic and I feel like I am one step from it all getting away from me. I am afraid that these days will slip away from me, as if it never happened. If I record anything on paper in a journal, I will lose it. Or Husband will throw it away. Perhaps this is an attempt to salvage a little part of who I am now and what my life is now.
I suppose I'll see where this takes me.
The heck if I know.
So half the stuff I usually write in a personal journal, I don't write. Too painful, and too dramatic, and biased. Complain, bitch, moan, yuck. It's like the armpit of my thoughts. And more times than not I end up reading it and puking. Why would I risk revealing my self-absorbed stupidity on a blog?
I definately am not a great writer in that I do not have witty thoughts, comments, and observations about my life. However, I do like to write. Crap. Yes, I like to write crap. But dammit, it's MY crap. And I really want to remember a bit about my life now, while it is so crazy and hectic and I feel like I am one step from it all getting away from me. I am afraid that these days will slip away from me, as if it never happened. If I record anything on paper in a journal, I will lose it. Or Husband will throw it away. Perhaps this is an attempt to salvage a little part of who I am now and what my life is now.
I suppose I'll see where this takes me.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Stalker
Maybe it's because I am getting old, but I am becoming more and more engrossed in thinking about the past. It's been about 10 years since I last spoke to a particular friend, but I can't help but think about what he's up to.
This guy was a friend from highschool. I think he was in love with me. Actually, I know so, since he told me the week before he left for college. He made this grand gesture about not going and staying near by so we could get married in the near future and freaked me the hell out. Mind you, I was only 16 years old, and his parents were crazy Asian parents who pushed their kids academically to the point of nervous breakdowns. Plus, I knew he liked me, but he never made a move in the three years we were friends and two years we were practically inseparable. He just hinted, and hemmed and hawed and never was man enough to just freakin say it... until it was too late. His profession of love caught me off guard, and frankly, was off putting. And I wasn't too keen on his parents hunting me down like a dog for preventing their son from going to Ivy League to stay at a state school... to marry me. I would be INSANE to want inlaws like that. Soooo, I shot him down and off he went, far away to college.
He kept calling me at least once a week throughout college. I was quite impressed with his devotion and actually gave thought that perhaps one day we really would end up together. And then he screwed it up again. In his sophmore year, and my freshman year, he started to date an amazing girl. Unfortunately, sometimes really smart people are really messed up. This girl was a mess. I was happy that he moved on and started to like other girls, but was just a tad bit disappointed that he didn't pursue our relationship further. I guess I still wanted him to be a man. A reasonable man. I wanted him to really think of practical ways for us to be together. For example, say "I really like you, I want a long distance relationship." Not some crazy cockimamie plan like him dashing his college dreams and rushing into a teenaged marriage. Really, it was truly THAT simple. But I guess he was used to girls telling HIM that they liked him and wanted a relationship. Well, I am not that kind of girl. And once he indicated that he was interested in other girls, I just crossed him off my potential boyfriend list.
Anyways, as he pursued his psychotic love, we kept in touch with regular phone calls. Since we had been so close for so long, I really loved his friendship and was more comfortable with the relationship now that I knew it would be reciprocated on the same level. Before this, he was ALWAYS (I mean always, at least one phone call a week. For 2 years.) the one to call me. Now I called him with regularity as well. The next year I started dating my now husband and everything was hunky-dory. I really regarded him as one of my best friends.
A couple of years later, we were still great friends. I was still dating my now-husband and obviously very serious about him. The Friend had a couple more girlfriends in the mean time. I remember it was either on Valentine's Day, or near it, Friend decides to pull the same psychotic shit again! We were chatting on the phone, Husband (then boyfriend) had fallen asleep studying in my room. Husband was fine with my relationship with Friend and usually busied himself with studying (or sleeping) while I would chat with Friend on the phone for hours. We were discussing where Friend was interviewing for medical school this particular night, going over pros and cons, etc etc. He then busts out with this conversation: (I am paraphasing, obviously)
"I applied to your medical school, you know. I have an interview in a month."
"Oh really? Why? It's not all Ivy league and snotty like the others."
"Yeah, but I like the weather, and it's closer to home."
"Well, cool. I know you won't come here, but it'll totally be fun when you come to interview. You can stay with future-Husband, and I'll skip class and we'll hang out. It'll be so much fun!"
"Yeah, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. If I do come down to interview, then I am sure I will be accepted. If I go to your medical school, then I will expect that you and I will be together and planning marriage in the future. If you aren't willing to do that, then I don't want to spend the time and money for the interview."
WTF?!
OK, that's something he could say that if we had been dating this whole time. Or even if he had hinted that he loved me all these years. Or if he had the balls to speak up when I started dating Husband and gushed about him at every opportunity. But for him to say that to me while now-Husband laid innocently on the floor snoring, and me feeling icky and bad like I just cheated on him. A friendly conversation turned into a profession of life-long convenant. And for him to say it in a tone/manner suggesting that I OWED HIM AT LEAST AS MUCH. I repeat, WTF?!
So, I didn't shoot him down. I tore him a new one. I ranted, raved, fumed and said that he betrayed my friendship and that I didn't think he should ever call me again.
So he didn't. Six month went by and I never thought of it again until a particular sermon made me feel oh so so guilty. It was about making amends with people before becoming right with God. And Friend popped right into my little head. With distance, I felt VERY sheepish about my reaction, OVER reaction, really, of our conversation. Maybe I was guilty for liking him still little deep down. Maybe I was digusted by his cowardice again. But I realized that I sucked and treated him badly. Plus, I really missed his friendship, his advice and coolheaded take on life.
A couple of weeks later, I called him up to apologize and to repair our friendship. And, wow, I got what I deserved. He told me that the past six months were hard, but he was finally getting over me and had just started to like a sweet girl in his Christian fellowship. He agreed with what I said earlier, that we shouldn't ever talk again, because all I was, was his bad news.
Okay.
So that brings us to today. Why am I still obsessing about this thing? My life is so blessed. I know I married my soulmate (btw, my inlaws totally rock!) and I now know that God was watching out for me regarding Friend. I could see how easy we could have ended up with each other. He could have said one simple sentence in the course of a couple years, and I would have been his. In retrospect, that would have been a mistake. However what I do regret is how I was so mean and treated him poorly when his intentions were good. I gave in to my selfishness and let my mouth spew forth so much diarrhea that I can never fix it. I lost one fabulous friendship with a wonderful person because I couldn't keep my lid on. I think I obsess over it because I still miss him. He really was a huge part of my growing up. Kind of like my version of Winnie and Kevin on the Wonder Years.
We have mutual friends, but I hardly keep up with them. In passing one of them has said that any mention of me was still banned in his presence. I can't help but think that by losing his friendship, I have lost a couple more as well. Peripherally, I have gathered that he is doing really well. He has an adorable family and is a successful doctor. It makes me kind of sad to think that our kids will never play with each other and our spouses won't ever meet. He and his wife seem like the type of friends Husband and I would love to have. I suppose I have the means to contact him, but frankly, I don't want to be a stalker. I already am in my mind. God forbid he think I am one as well. I am sure that he hasn't given me a second thought in many years and he's someone who is generous and forgiving. But I have an uncomfortable feeling that I am now associated with all things bad and evil in his mind. And as forgiving as he maybe, it doesn't mean he wants anything to do with me. So what is the point? To make me feel better? If that is all, then contacting him would be selfish and stupid. So I haven't.
And since we are being brutally honest here, the other possibility is perhaps I still love him. Well, did I ever? I mean, I loved him as a friend. I had a huge crush on him in middle school. But no, I never loved him, at least not in the way I love my Husband. I think I was created to love, live with and torture my poor Husband. If I had married Friend, it would have been all wrong. His personality is not what I need in a husband. I would have gone mad and drove him to the nuthouse as well. Husband is a bit boorish sometimes, and v v willful, kind of like me. He will lay his damn heart down all over the place if that is what he believes. He chased me with a vengenance. He is that kind of leader that I crave in a lover and mate. Friend was too accommodating. He's all, I will love you if you want me to. Husband is like, I love you, damn it, whether you like it or not. Take it, leave it. Arrrrrgh!
So the point of this long-winded boring post is, I will NOT attempt to facebook friend him.
This guy was a friend from highschool. I think he was in love with me. Actually, I know so, since he told me the week before he left for college. He made this grand gesture about not going and staying near by so we could get married in the near future and freaked me the hell out. Mind you, I was only 16 years old, and his parents were crazy Asian parents who pushed their kids academically to the point of nervous breakdowns. Plus, I knew he liked me, but he never made a move in the three years we were friends and two years we were practically inseparable. He just hinted, and hemmed and hawed and never was man enough to just freakin say it... until it was too late. His profession of love caught me off guard, and frankly, was off putting. And I wasn't too keen on his parents hunting me down like a dog for preventing their son from going to Ivy League to stay at a state school... to marry me. I would be INSANE to want inlaws like that. Soooo, I shot him down and off he went, far away to college.
He kept calling me at least once a week throughout college. I was quite impressed with his devotion and actually gave thought that perhaps one day we really would end up together. And then he screwed it up again. In his sophmore year, and my freshman year, he started to date an amazing girl. Unfortunately, sometimes really smart people are really messed up. This girl was a mess. I was happy that he moved on and started to like other girls, but was just a tad bit disappointed that he didn't pursue our relationship further. I guess I still wanted him to be a man. A reasonable man. I wanted him to really think of practical ways for us to be together. For example, say "I really like you, I want a long distance relationship." Not some crazy cockimamie plan like him dashing his college dreams and rushing into a teenaged marriage. Really, it was truly THAT simple. But I guess he was used to girls telling HIM that they liked him and wanted a relationship. Well, I am not that kind of girl. And once he indicated that he was interested in other girls, I just crossed him off my potential boyfriend list.
Anyways, as he pursued his psychotic love, we kept in touch with regular phone calls. Since we had been so close for so long, I really loved his friendship and was more comfortable with the relationship now that I knew it would be reciprocated on the same level. Before this, he was ALWAYS (I mean always, at least one phone call a week. For 2 years.) the one to call me. Now I called him with regularity as well. The next year I started dating my now husband and everything was hunky-dory. I really regarded him as one of my best friends.
A couple of years later, we were still great friends. I was still dating my now-husband and obviously very serious about him. The Friend had a couple more girlfriends in the mean time. I remember it was either on Valentine's Day, or near it, Friend decides to pull the same psychotic shit again! We were chatting on the phone, Husband (then boyfriend) had fallen asleep studying in my room. Husband was fine with my relationship with Friend and usually busied himself with studying (or sleeping) while I would chat with Friend on the phone for hours. We were discussing where Friend was interviewing for medical school this particular night, going over pros and cons, etc etc. He then busts out with this conversation: (I am paraphasing, obviously)
"I applied to your medical school, you know. I have an interview in a month."
"Oh really? Why? It's not all Ivy league and snotty like the others."
"Yeah, but I like the weather, and it's closer to home."
"Well, cool. I know you won't come here, but it'll totally be fun when you come to interview. You can stay with future-Husband, and I'll skip class and we'll hang out. It'll be so much fun!"
"Yeah, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. If I do come down to interview, then I am sure I will be accepted. If I go to your medical school, then I will expect that you and I will be together and planning marriage in the future. If you aren't willing to do that, then I don't want to spend the time and money for the interview."
WTF?!
OK, that's something he could say that if we had been dating this whole time. Or even if he had hinted that he loved me all these years. Or if he had the balls to speak up when I started dating Husband and gushed about him at every opportunity. But for him to say that to me while now-Husband laid innocently on the floor snoring, and me feeling icky and bad like I just cheated on him. A friendly conversation turned into a profession of life-long convenant. And for him to say it in a tone/manner suggesting that I OWED HIM AT LEAST AS MUCH. I repeat, WTF?!
So, I didn't shoot him down. I tore him a new one. I ranted, raved, fumed and said that he betrayed my friendship and that I didn't think he should ever call me again.
So he didn't. Six month went by and I never thought of it again until a particular sermon made me feel oh so so guilty. It was about making amends with people before becoming right with God. And Friend popped right into my little head. With distance, I felt VERY sheepish about my reaction, OVER reaction, really, of our conversation. Maybe I was guilty for liking him still little deep down. Maybe I was digusted by his cowardice again. But I realized that I sucked and treated him badly. Plus, I really missed his friendship, his advice and coolheaded take on life.
A couple of weeks later, I called him up to apologize and to repair our friendship. And, wow, I got what I deserved. He told me that the past six months were hard, but he was finally getting over me and had just started to like a sweet girl in his Christian fellowship. He agreed with what I said earlier, that we shouldn't ever talk again, because all I was, was his bad news.
Okay.
So that brings us to today. Why am I still obsessing about this thing? My life is so blessed. I know I married my soulmate (btw, my inlaws totally rock!) and I now know that God was watching out for me regarding Friend. I could see how easy we could have ended up with each other. He could have said one simple sentence in the course of a couple years, and I would have been his. In retrospect, that would have been a mistake. However what I do regret is how I was so mean and treated him poorly when his intentions were good. I gave in to my selfishness and let my mouth spew forth so much diarrhea that I can never fix it. I lost one fabulous friendship with a wonderful person because I couldn't keep my lid on. I think I obsess over it because I still miss him. He really was a huge part of my growing up. Kind of like my version of Winnie and Kevin on the Wonder Years.
We have mutual friends, but I hardly keep up with them. In passing one of them has said that any mention of me was still banned in his presence. I can't help but think that by losing his friendship, I have lost a couple more as well. Peripherally, I have gathered that he is doing really well. He has an adorable family and is a successful doctor. It makes me kind of sad to think that our kids will never play with each other and our spouses won't ever meet. He and his wife seem like the type of friends Husband and I would love to have. I suppose I have the means to contact him, but frankly, I don't want to be a stalker. I already am in my mind. God forbid he think I am one as well. I am sure that he hasn't given me a second thought in many years and he's someone who is generous and forgiving. But I have an uncomfortable feeling that I am now associated with all things bad and evil in his mind. And as forgiving as he maybe, it doesn't mean he wants anything to do with me. So what is the point? To make me feel better? If that is all, then contacting him would be selfish and stupid. So I haven't.
And since we are being brutally honest here, the other possibility is perhaps I still love him. Well, did I ever? I mean, I loved him as a friend. I had a huge crush on him in middle school. But no, I never loved him, at least not in the way I love my Husband. I think I was created to love, live with and torture my poor Husband. If I had married Friend, it would have been all wrong. His personality is not what I need in a husband. I would have gone mad and drove him to the nuthouse as well. Husband is a bit boorish sometimes, and v v willful, kind of like me. He will lay his damn heart down all over the place if that is what he believes. He chased me with a vengenance. He is that kind of leader that I crave in a lover and mate. Friend was too accommodating. He's all, I will love you if you want me to. Husband is like, I love you, damn it, whether you like it or not. Take it, leave it. Arrrrrgh!
So the point of this long-winded boring post is, I will NOT attempt to facebook friend him.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Trial
I don't know just how to link things.
Here are some of my favorite blogs: Metrodad, Julie, Moxie, OBGYN Kenobi.
It's an incomplete list, of course, but I just want to try this out.
Here are some of my favorite blogs: Metrodad, Julie, Moxie, OBGYN Kenobi.
It's an incomplete list, of course, but I just want to try this out.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Rights
I reserve the following rights on this blog:
1. misspell words
2. be grammatically incorrect
3. be politically incorrect
4. change my mind
5. many times over
6. make no sense
7. contradict myself
8. accept criticism (should any readers overhear me and want to comment)
9. reject criticism (see above)
10. improve myself
11. be mean
12. be anonymous
13. forget things
14. be brutally honest
1. misspell words
2. be grammatically incorrect
3. be politically incorrect
4. change my mind
5. many times over
6. make no sense
7. contradict myself
8. accept criticism (should any readers overhear me and want to comment)
9. reject criticism (see above)
10. improve myself
11. be mean
12. be anonymous
13. forget things
14. be brutally honest
Maiden Post
Been thinking a lot about starting this blog. Why spend the time? Who will read it? But the blog fever keeps compelling me to start it. I'll probably be the Biggest Blog Loser who will lose steam and quit after a month. Who knows....
I have kept a journal all my life and since my belated entry into being a blog reader/lurker, this new (for me, at least) media in which to journal is just too tasty to pass up.
Blogging will not interfere with my mothering, attention to my husband, patients, or myself. Right?
I have kept a journal all my life and since my belated entry into being a blog reader/lurker, this new (for me, at least) media in which to journal is just too tasty to pass up.
Blogging will not interfere with my mothering, attention to my husband, patients, or myself. Right?
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